Alhamdulillah.
Ya Allah.
Feel like now I am back to the old me, the me 6 years ago.
Im saying this in terms of my study. I can now feel the studying that Im doing. I no longer sigh on the amount of things to study. no longer lamenting on the struggle to start opening books. no longer feel so far away from my study material.
Alhamdulillah. This is one nikmat that I have lost since few years ago. It was really hard when Allah took this away from me. Looking at notes and books without feeling the urge or the excitement to read it, made me feel like a robot. Forcing myself to open the books, to learn and memorize, forcing my brain, while my heart never really intend to know all those things.
The heart kept asking questions, while my brain did not know the answer to it, but my brain knew I need to study. So, that's how the robot of mine, get through college year. Need to work on it no matter what. Tough decision though.
Hearing my colleagues from kyuem talking about medical staff made me more clueless. They talk about how their uni differ than others, but then I was barely interested to talk about my uni. I did not have anything to talk about other than, there were loads to study, and they were all so hard to learn. That's when my heart spoke the truth. But not total truth, I never told my friends what's really going on. The war between my heart and my brain. Because I believed, we can always fix things.
I always wonder, why can't I be like the me when I was in high school. In those days, everything went smooth, opening books did not really feel like THAT hard. Anytime, I can go and start the engine, and vroom. Even it was 12 subjects, my heart never argue with my brain, they both agree to just go for it, and not asking many questions about it.
So yes, during the hard years, I always wondered about this, why can't I go back to normal again?
I know the old me like practising taekwondo. Even when I was at home. My imagination went wild when I think about fighting someone. I built my own kicking area in the backyard.
I lose that one too, little by little, that spirit in me just gone. That made my life more dull.
But, alhamdulillah, that spirit has grown back. And I am now doing my own hobby again.
Just, thank you Allah.
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